Waking up with a blistering headache. Washing down a couple Advil with water sucked straight from the tap. Writing off yet another day in lieu of the previous nights poor choices. Someday we will look back at drinking alcohol to excess the same way doctors now view blood letting as a treatment for fever. Archaic, medieval, madness.
"Blasphemy" cry many lovers of the nectar of rotten vegetation. Separating true connoisseurs from a millenniums old love affair seems not only impossible, but cruel. I myself am sure that such traditions as the brewmaster, the vintner, and their devout patrons of the art will never die. The wooly mammoths to which I refer are the aforementioned distant cousins. The weekend warrior, the pub predator and his/her prey, the fratard, musicians in general, depressed writers and of course the slobbering drunk(which all become at one point or another, just incase you were feeling judgmental). There are infinitely more titles for this class of libation consumers, yet they have one common trait. They drink not for the flavor, but instead for the effect.
Now a quick non-scientific review of the effects of drinking. Swagger>sloppy>slob. Swagger: Under the influence of a small amount of alcohol folks are "buzzed", and tend to be more confident, socially adept and at ease. Sloppy: A few more jagerbombs down the road and inhibitions are largely absent as is volume control and the ability to accurately evaluate the attractiveness of the opposite sex. Slob: also known as loser drunk this stage is characterized by a severely depleted bank accountant, the deep seeded feeling of regret for things you've done but can't remember, and the morning joy of a mixture of half-digested hot wings, sweet potato fries and what was a near lethal dose of ethanol covering the majority of your best friends bathroom. Enough years spent repeating this cycle leads to a broken mind, a mutinous liver and a reservation for a single occupant pine cabin for Myra Maines (Say her name fast). For the seemingly worthwhile positives drinking gives us their is a much longer list of negative consequences. Necessity is a mother.
Ecstasy was one of the gifts the pharmaceutical industry unintentionally gave to those who love an illicit high. Originally it was intended to be used in group therapy to help people get in that sharing mood. Who could have guessed it would go so well with house music and glow sticks. Now what if those billionaire Pharmers got their poop in a group and decided to make something that was intended for recreational use?
Wonder no longer. Thanks to the PhD's employed at pharmaceutical goliath Pharmco. unltd. we will soon have a designer drug that comes in a bottle. "Elixir" once okayed by the FDA will be sold "over the counter" at watering holes across North America and eventually European and Asian markets as well. Thanks to the magic of science hangovers and liver disease will soon be a thing of the past.
So how does it work? "Elixir" employs the combination of an oxygen saturated liquid medium (basically juice pumped full of O2) with a customized cocktail of neural stimulants and inhibitors. This custom fit glove of uppers and downers carriers with it the desirable effects of alcohol and then some. The oxygen rich medium gives an almost instant sense of euphoria and clarity. Once the body begins digesting the medical ingredients the main effect will be the lowering of inhibitions without sacrificing sensory function, and that's just the start. A full line of options will available in the way of personal preference.
"Azure Elixir" further stimulates mental acuteness and sharpens auditory and ocular sensitivity. Ideal for viewing or musical entertainment.
"Emerald Elixir" muffles the parts of the mind responsible for stress and anxiety along with a mild combination of muscle relaxant and painkiller to ease both mental and physical woes.
"Crimson Elixir" targets the control centers of the brain that govern sexual arousal.
Pharmco. has hinted at other flavors/experiences to be released in the future.
Also in its favor "Elixir" lacks many of the negatives a bender with booze carries: hangover headache, dehydration, loss of motor control, and loss of logical reasoning capability. At the molecular level the medical additives in "Elixir" create a nano barrier around themselves when exposed to the digestive enzymes of the small intestine and liver. This allows them to stop effecting the body shortly after ingestion and thus cause minimal impact to the organs. This also makes it nearly impossible to overdose and at the same time requires the individual consuming "Elixir" to do so continuously to maintain their 'high'. A perfect alternative to the current poison being poured down the throats of the masses?
So in closing I pose a few of the many questions such news may raised in that addled mind of yours. Will people really turn to this new concoction. This usurper of the throne. Surely it can't be all that is promised. What of it's addictive qualities? What will the side-effects be short/long term? Will addiction and side-effects even be an issue? Maybe we are arriving at a place where what we want and what we need finally converge without consequence? Can too good be true? I guess we shall see.
In a world of jaded skeptics I am sure most who read this will quickly recognize it as fiction, but for those of you who didn't, no hard feelings I hope.(If you were really hoping this was real you may have a problem and they say denial is the first step) I guess I wrote this with the mindset that this could someday become a reality. I am no Jules Vern, but I do subscribe to the belief that life imitates art. Imagination precedes invention.
