"Pink Shirt Day>Let's defeat Bullying"...It starts at home.

When I write that "It starts at home" I mean that I started bullying at my house.  Flashing back to when I was a kid, like most children my age(or any age) we used to watch TV most days after school.  A particular show called the 'Wonder Years' was on a little later in the after school time slot.  We watched it on what was commonly referred to as Farmervision or Peasantvision (us poor people only had two channels).

Actually here's a quick side story:  Our antenna for the aforementioned Farmervision was stuck in the top of a small tree in our back yard next to the house.  A bracket on the side of the house kept the antenna from falling over and the antenna's base could freely turn in its organic base(the tree).  If we wanted to watch one channel we would align the antenna with the edge of the roof.  If we wanted to watch the other channel someone would have to run outside and adjust the antenna so it was perpendicular to the edge of the roof.  I there was a strong wind it would turn the antenna.  To fix that problem a pair of vice-grips was attached to the pole and could be adjusted so that they would butt against a nearby branch to hold the pole in the desired position.  We got more exercise changing channels then any kid playing wii fit or xbox connect.

Back to the 'Wonder Years'.  Some of you may remember this show.  Kevin Arnold(Fred Savage) was a seventies 'Malcolm in the Middle' with a keen interest in a pretty girl named Winnie Cooper.  I didn't get to watch it very often due to my parents disapproval of the shows sexually suggestive content, but the little I did watch had an impact on me.  Mostly in the form of Kevin's older brother and tormentor Wayne Arnold.  From this fictional character I based a large amount of my actions towards my siblings.  I didn't like this Wayne bully character, but whenever the opportunity arose I would torment or intimidate my brothers or sisters with the mindset that this was my role as the older brother.  I also saw the same actions repeated in most of my friends homes.  At the same time I was also being bullied.  By neighbours, kids at school, and even by people I call 'friend' to this day.  I received the same treatment I was passing out at home.  From elementary to high school everyone learned to watch what you say or you could become the next class pariah.  Sexual harassment in the form of humiliating nicknames were often given to girls and almost anything a boy said or did could lead to a classmate accusing you of being a homosexual, and this was grades 1-6.  Violence occurred at the what now seems like a ridiculously young age.  I remember a boy being pulled down a slide by his hair in kindergarden.  In grade three a boy bit through another boys jacket and into his arm drawing blood.  In grade six I was in a fight where I had a boy pinned to the ground and was punching him in the face while a friend of his came up behind me and kicked me in the head.  Most of the time these fights would end before a teacher noticed (which also seems incredible) and thus such acts were largely unknown to staff and subsequently were rarely addressed.  This environment of constantly being on guard and finding security in intimidating others felt horrible, but it also felt natural.  It was a life that at the time I never thought to question.  I never new anything different.  

In the past I often heard the saying 'boys will be boys' used to justify viewing pornography, fighting, binge drinking and other depraved acts.  To be honest I was of a like mindset for several years or at least my denial used this as a defence against the truth.  The first real crack in this wall of self-delusion came in my mid-teens.
          I had gotten used to taking care my younger brother for my mom when she had to run errands or go shopping.  One afternoon she informed me that she was going out for a bit.  Assuming I was going to babysit I asked her how long I had to watch my younger brother.  I was surprised when she told me I wasn't.  I was shocked when she told me I wasn't going to watch him because he was afraid of me.  This news filled me with shame and guilt.  Though I didn't physically attack him very often I did keep him in constant fear of me.  I would always try to make him flinch.  I was his big brother and it was my job to pick on him.  I conditioned him to constantly be on his guard around me and I'll never fully know how much my bullying affected him or how far these actions have stunted our relationship.  It shames me now to think that I can't remember if this was when I actually started to change.  I am grateful however.  Though I didn't turn over a new leaf the next day a seed had been planted.

I've watched some documentaries about fastfood and epidemic obesity, gun related deaths, healthcare reform, global water shortages and one mystery about vehicular homicide(In this case it was the car that was killed, that's a joke).  For most of the movie the 'facts' revealed are shocking, infuriating and negative.  I usually enjoy these films in general, but my favourite part comes near the end when they show some positives and give you hope that change is possible.

This is near the end. This is the positive part.

In high school I became friends with a guy I'll call Dade.  One day while I was at Dade's we were looking through the pantry for something to snack on.  We came across some treat sized assorted chocolate bars and began to eat them.  Dade mentioned that we should make sure to leave some for his sister as they belonged to her.  Jokingly I said,
         "We should eat them all, then she'll be pissed."  Then he said something that to this day has stuck with me.
         "Why would I do something like that?  I like my sister."  Regardless of the humorous intent of my comment I felt embarrassed.  I felt embarrassed because up to this point in my life I had treated my siblings like enemies.  Up to this point in my life I couldn't say that I 'liked' my brothers and sisters.  I wasn't some isolated savage that had just come across the concept of liking ones family.  Yet I felt like my emotional growth was severely stunted.  Like I had been held back several grades in the maturity department.  Perhaps that's the first bit of water that was allowed to reach the seed.

I did change.  Sometimes the change came so slow that it didn't seem to occur at all.  Sometimes the changed happened to other people.  Nonetheless it did take place and today I am enormously grateful it did.  I see so many people around me who cringe at the thought of family holidays and it's painful to watch.  I see other people that deeply love and enjoy their families and for that I have great respect.  I feel akin to those loving families because of how awesome mine is.  I don't want to brag, but they are the kindest, most understanding people I have ever met.

So to close I want to say a few things.  Bullies are not static characters in some sitcom that we need to declare war on.  They are likely scared, insecure little kids who don't get many hugs and have seen real violence, fear and pain regardless of their age.  Every bully has people around them.  When I think of the people around me, the impact Dade had on me with a few words.  I can't escape the importance of that knowledge.  It's not a new idea, but rather than tell you it, I need to read it for myself.          
      

on hiatus

I keep posting various blog entries on this page and none of them feel right for the title.  So until I write something that fits I am putting Catharticintheartic on hiatus.  If you do happen upon this message you can always go to my profile page and check out my other blogs.  That is in the hope that they will also not be on hiatus.  And I'm liking the word hiatus today, it seems exotic.  Actually I've liked it since I was a kid and Krusty the clown stated that his show was "...going on hiatus for re-tooling."